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Dishari Mukherjee
Addiction vs Her
Cierra Reasoner was introduced to drugs at 11 years old by her parents when the family lived in Florida. Her parents used drugs recreationally for most of her childhood, she said. Cierra tried to protect her younger sister and herself as she was growing up from her parents drug habit. Cierra felt afraid of the people that visited her parents, and was raped by one of her dad's friends when she was a child, she said. A few years later, Cierra's mom confronted her about her increasingly uncontrollable behavior, so they chose to drug Cierra as a solution to this problem, she recounted. Since then, drug use has been a constant presence in Cierra's life.
After her parents moved to Athens, Ohio they got divorced. According to Cierra she never had a chance to pursue her carrier, nor did she choose to marry. She lost custody of her first child to the father and has never been allowed to meet that child. Now Cierra lives with her mom whenever she is not in rehab. Her mom has custody of Cierra’s other two kids, and all three of Cierra's children have different fathers. Living with her mom gives her a chance to be with her kids, she said. Cierra's life is a cyclical pattern of rehab, family, and drugs.
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“I want to raise my kids and give them a great life. I also want to marry and feel loved like everyone out there, but I lose it to drugs," Cierra said.
"I am afraid… I have overdosed three times. My friends found me blue in the shower and that's how they saved me. I know I want to live. Palpitation’s, restlessness…. depression makes me go back to it. I feel calm and at peace when I do it. Though it doesn’t last long, and you would want to do it again. It’s like a continues cycle to survive and not give up life. The irony is you give up your life either doing drugs….by overdosing or not doing it…that’s when your mental health doesn’t let you live. You die one way or the other," she said.
Cierra sits on a couch with her 3-year-old Leonidas William Denny inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. “My kids crave for my attention. They fight with each other for my attention. Sometimes they even try to lock me in their room so that I stay. No matter how much I try, my mind and body give up and I find myself doing drugs again. Relapses doesn’t let me live clean,” said Cierra. Cierra does not have her own apartment, and lives with her mother.
Cierra uses a syringe while attempting to inject herself with methamphetamine inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. “With years the veins become hard, the process of injecting gets harder. Sometimes I see blood all over the couch. I try hiding it from my kids and mom. Mom figures it out sometimes," said Cierra.
A syringe rests on Cierra's legs as she sits in her mother's bathtub after unsuccessful attempts to inject methamphetamines in Athens, Ohio. “The addiction destroyed all of my childhood, my best years and took my kids away from me,” said Cierra. “I lost custody of all my three kids and now I have nowhere to live by myself. My mom has the custody of two of my kids and that’s how I get to see them and live with them. I wanted to study psychology as a kid. I realized at a very young age that I had a different childhood than other kids. I wanted to understand my parents and help them live a clean life.”
Cierra’s mother, Angel Hayman, 43, checks on Cierra inside of her apartment in Athens, Ohio. “I understand that I made a mistake, I was young when I had Cierra, but I try to help her out now from the rabbit hole. I try to take care of her kids, but nothing seems to work," said Angel.
Cierra’s children Angel Moon Reasoner, 5, left, and Leonidas William Denny, 4, play in Cierra's mother's living room in Athens, Ohio. “They are lonely, they miss having a mom," said their grandmother Angel Hayman. "I don’t find answers to their questions related to their mom most of the time. I try not to entertain their hope or not to give them any false expectations about their mother. I try preparing them for the worst…. though I know I am not ready for the worst."
Cierra rests her head against her 3-year-old son Leonidas William Denny inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. Shortly after, Cierra disappeared, her mother Angel Hayman said. “Leo always wants to come with me when I leave the house, even when I go down to my car," Cierra said. "He feels that he will lose me again."
Angel Heyman plays with her 5-year-old granddaughter Angel Moon Reasoner, in her apartment in Athens, Ohio. “They love people very easily," said Angel. "They don’t let go of my friends when they come for a visit. These kids are always craving for attention."
Cierra’s mother Angel Heyman speaks with her ex-husband while searching for Cierra, who has stopped communicating with her, in Athens, Ohio. Cierra has previously stayed with her father who supplied her with drugs, Angel said. “The kids can’t accept not having their mother around," Angel. "They are scared each time we go to look for her...They search for Cierra along with me.”
Angel Moon Reasoner, 5, left, and Leonidas William Denny, 4, cry in the back of Cierra's car as they leave a park in Athens, Ohio. “I don’t know how to raise kids," said Cierra. "I can’t make decisions for myself or how to cope with my situation, my problems. I try…. I never had an opportunity to learn like other mothers. It’s hard to stay alive when I am clean. I run out of Suboxone; it doesn’t help me completely even when I am on it.”
Leonidas William Denny, 4, left, and Angel Moon Reasoner, 5, talk with Angel Heyman after coming back from searching for Cierra in Athens, Ohio. Mom is back, Angel Moon and Leonidas said as they ran to the door. Cierra did not come back that night, and continued to go missing. “She does this a lot. She goes to her friend’s place or her dad’s place for drugs, and she doesn’t come back home for weeks or months.” said Angel. “Maybe she’s high on drugs or the cops have her. I never know when she will get back. I don't have an answer for the kids when they cry for their mom.”
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